Intercultural dating
“You’re doing Promenad with me?”
Our mothers and grandmothers are sure to remember this phrase from the post-war period. Back then, the occupying soldiers had to come to terms with their life in Germany. They were lonely and had everything that the battered Germans didn’t have: food, cigarettes, chewing gum, chocolate and unbridled optimism. Who could blame the victors? So it’s no wonder that many German “Fräuleins” also came to terms with this situation, especially as many women had to fend for themselves and their families because the men had either fallen or gone missing or had to eke out an existence in one of thousands of prisoner-of-war camps. This often resulted in “fried potato relationships”, sometimes even marriages.
Reversed roles
Then came the economic miracle and the Germans suddenly became one of the rich nations. The relationship between Americans and Germans shifted more towards emotional relationships. Relationships with Germans now became attractive for other poor nations. The so-called Asian “catalog brides” are an example of this. Then the iron curtain fell and a completely new field opened up: women from Eastern Europe who were looking for “connections in the West”. In addition, the Internet offered completely new opportunities via dating sites. On the other hand, companies needed to tap into the new markets in the East. Expatriates were sent from Germany. And there, men who had been simple clerks in Germany were suddenly “sought-after objects of desire”. There are countless examples of this, including in our wider circle of acquaintances. It was not uncommon for marriages that had previously seemed happy to break up or for single expatriates to return with Eastern European wives.
No “Wysiwyg”
Women from Eastern Europe often appear as ideals of beauty. They dress well and pay great attention to a well-groomed appearance. In contrast, the “wife who runs the household at home” appears as a “gray mouse”. Perhaps there has already been friction at home before. Or they had little success in their search for a connection in Germany, which now “falls into their lap” in a foreign country. There is nothing wrong with this in principle, but be careful. The Lotus company once advertised its new user interface, which looked like a piece of paper with boxes on the computer screen, with the name “Wysiwyg” – “What you see is what you get”. Not a problem in the digital world. In emotional reality, however, a source of endless misunderstandings. Especially when feelings are involved, people tend to ignore unpleasant things or make false assumptions – especially as the roles are clearly assigned at the beginning. In plain language: the expatriate and the wealthy German feel superior due to their position. However, this does not mean that you will necessarily get what you have always wanted in all aspects. Because every woman brings her own cultural values and ideas with her. What these really are, however, only emerges over time. Supposedly the same things and behaviors are interpreted differently in different cultures.
Myth and reality
Many women from Eastern Europe appear particularly attractive to German men because they dress well and make a lot of themselves. However, this does not mean that these women are dream women in every respect. Many find a Ferrari attractive, but when you’re standing at the petrol station or receive your insurance certificate, your enthusiasm quickly wanes if you’re not one of the really attractive people. “Simple lottery winners”, on the other hand, are quickly brought down to earth when they invest their winnings in such status symbols.
Furthermore, material aspects are often ignored. Of course, German men are also and above all attractive because they can offer money and security. At least to a greater extent than women from their home countries are used to. In this respect, they are no different from many of their German counterparts, but this aspect is often simply ignored or perceived differently. Very wealthy men often appear with beautiful young women at their side. The new US president is a current example of this. Billionaires always have the problem that they can’t figure out whether it was the money or the feelings that led to the ring exchange. But as already indicated, this argument also applies to relationships between German women and men. A survey on Facebook revealed that a high percentage of academic women do not want to be with uneducated partners. Common interests may be one aspect, but can the material aspect really be denied? After all, academics often offer better economic conditions than men who have not studied.
“My wife doesn’t understand me.” – “Schto vui gavaritje? (What are you saying?)”
A major area for intercultural misunderstandings is always the communication style. German men tend to communicate neutrally, Eastern European women more emotionally. Apart from possible language barriers, this aspect alone often leads to misunderstandings. Especially as Eastern European women like to exaggerate in a way that is also unknown to German women. Sometimes these problems manifest themselves very subtly – the humor is different, you don’t know the same films or have completely different tastes in music. There are no similarities that you could share with a German wife because you grew up at the same time. This may seem trivial, but in the long run it can certainly cause rifts. Furthermore, women from Eastern Europe are usually equipped with a healthy self-confidence and interpret their role from their own culture. For example, most women in Eastern Europe have always worked. During the day, the children were looked after either by the nursery or the grandparents. Of course, very few people are aware of this at the beginning, but a German who would like to replace his emancipated German wife with a traditional and beautiful woman is quickly brought down to earth when it comes to organizing everyday life.
At the same time, the author often suspects that women from Eastern Europe behave as if the men owe them something because of their beauty – gifts, for example. If these are not forthcoming, the relationship quickly deteriorates. Expectations often differ dramatically.
What can you do?
People who travel to Eastern Europe on business often attend intercultural seminars because they know that they have to get to grips with the other culture in order to be successful in this region. On the other hand, I have never met anyone who prepares interculturally for a relationship. But that would be necessary to create the necessary awareness on both sides of what to expect from each other and what their life plans are. Unconsciously, we all start from our own culture. In this case, this means how to run the household, raise the children and fill the roles in the relationship. This alone does not guarantee success, but with the right knowledge, you are not running blindly into an adventure that you have not even perceived as such or are even consciously ignoring.
Call in a mediator. This is a good investment in the future. In relationships between German partners, the common future is of course also discussed, but on bases that are known to both partners. There may be differences of opinion, but the basic cultural parameters are known and enable the partners to assess each other more easily. It is not for nothing that prenuptial agreements are drawn up to clarify material issues in advance in the event of the marriage breaking down. This may be unromantic, but many people are so realistic. So why not clarify cultural issues in advance with the help of an expert? Germans generally have a tendency to plan and leave as little as possible to chance. In technical jargon, this is called a high degree of uncertainty avoidance. Success somehow proves the Germans right. So why not extend this insight to relationships, because as the great Goethe put it: “So let him who commits himself forever test whether his heart finds itself?” Our intercultural coaches will be happy to support you in this test with their coaching and intercultural know-how.
The author works as a freelance intercultural expert for Eastern European countries and cultures and prepares business people who are sent there or work there in another capacity for these countries. He has also lived and worked for 10 years in Russia, the Czech Republic, Slovakia and Hungary. He has been married to a Russian woman for 21 years, knows first-hand about intercultural friction and knows how much tolerance is sometimes required from both sides in order to make the relationship successful. He and his wife have 2 children and, as he knows today, he has simply been incredibly lucky.
